What turning 53 looks like.

For those that are curious, this is what turning 53 looks like for me. Yup, right there. On the ground, with my tribe and all that silly.

And I don’t know any better place to be.

In my book Mind Doodles I wrote a chapter called ‘The Friendship Web’ and after a bunch of friend sharing story banter I said…

“The last thing I have to say about friends is, make time for them”

True fact. You wouldn’t want to miss all that silly! Enjoy the read!

The Friendship Web

Don’t think this is going to be a no-brainer topic that you can skim over. You don’t want to mess this one up and speed read through. If anything, you want to get out your drink with the little umbrella, sit back and really pay attention. No matter what age you are, the simplest of friendships can get, well, a little sticky, messy, web-like.

One of my friends says her mom taught her you should be able to count your best friends on one hand.  Being more than halfway through my life now, I must conclude her mom was absolutely right.  Not only are there best friends, but now so many different types of friends. Sometimes I think I need a tracking system to keep it all straight.

Starting with Best Friends—these are your wing men or women. Ones you can count on for anything.  Ones that won’t judge.  Ones you can trust with your life.   Ones you can’t wait to see.  Ones you tell all with.  Ones you want to share experiences with.  Ones you share the good, the bad and the ugly with.   Ones you can simply cry with or just belly laugh your way through a weekend without any deep conversations.  Your vulnerability crew.  Your lifers.   The ones that won’t let you down and totally get you.   They are your people; they are your tribe.

Then there are your Close Friends.  Not quite a Bestie, as maybe they don’t always come through with time or availability, for what you need in a friendship connection.   But you love them unconditionally anyways.  They are good people, in fact, the best.  You keep these close friends close to your heart and always give them a second chance to show up—which they do, eventually. These close friends are worth your perseverance.

Then there are the History Friends.  Ones you may have grownup with or went to high school, college or uni with.  Or maybe you met at a job or travelling and had some sort of Aha! deep-connecting time or experience.  It is a bond that can’t be broken, and they will always be a friend fan favourite.

Then there are your Acquaintance Friends.  These are your casual buddies.   You hang with them when only a certain crew gets together.   Or you may spend time with them on specific things that you have in common, like hitting a wine tasting on your favourite blends, or shared interest in heavy metal music to hit concerts with.   Or maybe you have volunteered together at fundraising events.  They add spark to your life journey.   But they also come and go.  I am guessing they may be a majority of your social media pals.  Or a majority of your work mates.  Maybe even a majority of your community life connections.

Then there is your Party Gang.  People you celebrate life with.  You may only see them on special occasions or for vacays.   Or maybe you can only relate to them on the dance floor.   They are your fun factors and the must-haves during big-deal gigs.  They bring the fireworks at midnight.  They elevate your life high, higher.

Whatever friend arena your friends land in, they all add value to your life.  And if they don’t, I got two words:  ditch ‘em.   Let’s circle back to that later.

Know that within those varied friendship types there are many ebbs and flows.   Within all those ebbs and flows can come an endless list of confusion.  You got it, here comes the sticky web.  A friend that was part of your Party Gang, may stop showing up.  There may not be any explanation or even any response and they may ghost you—boo.   They leave you feeling, WTF?

A Close Friend may want to move into your Bestie circle.  However, you may have decided you are not taking any further Best Friend requests.  By the way, there was a great Seinfeld episode where Jerry announced he was not taking any further friend applications—brilliant!   Or maybe you just aren’t feeling the Close Friend to Best Friend moving vibe.

Here’s something: an Acquaintance Friend may not even consider you a friend—yet another WTF?  A History Friend may decide to ditch you last minute on an invite, as maybe they are not feeling as past-connected to you as you thought.   How do we get this friendship stuff all right and not wrong?  I have to tell you, I don’t have any of this figured out.  Nope, not even close.

But what I can tell you is to expect it, be open to it and be ready to ride some of those friendship waves.   I have learned that in friendships, the relationship expectations can really go off the charts and in different directions.   Sounds like a marriage, doesn’t it?  

Once I had this friendship that was on the border of Close Friend to Best Friend.  We had a regular hangout date each week, plus we often got together on weekends with a group of friends.  We had the very best times laughing—as she was over-the-top hilarious.   At the time of our friendship, I was on a very intimate journey with my family.    I shared this private time with her, every step of the way.  She was a great listener and provided a strong shoulder to lean into.   I felt very close to her and assumed she felt the same.  Then out of nowhere, our regular hangout dates started to get rescheduled by my Close-to-Best-friend friend—stay with me.   Our weekend group nights out also started to evaporate.   I was missing my friend.

As I like to tackle confusion head on, I straight-up asked what was happening to our friendship.    I got the ‘ol “everything is fine” response.   I tried again and received the same “everything is fine.”   But I knew it wasn’t, and without any conversation to understand what was going on, I couldn’t do anything about it.   I had to accept, move on and then, boom—our friendship ended.   I still miss this friendship and wonder from time to time if she does too.

I reflect that maybe when you age, and you start to come to grips with your friendships, you let yourself get closer to your friends.  I also reflect that when you age, the exact opposite could happen, and you could pull back from getting too close in your friendships.  It also may have nothing to do with age and could be all about your baggage and recent relationship experiences.  See?  I really have no idea.   

All I know is to expect your friendships to sometimes be at different levels, and when you hit the bonanza, there is no better feeling to be at the same level.   Ebb and flow, I say, ebb and flow.  For me, I know I can bring a lot of fierce love to my best friendships.   I am like the Italians: I love deeply, strongly and forever.   I take my Best Friend status seriously, and one of my favourite things on this planet is being a best friend and having best friends.   You definitely want me as your maid of honour if you want a kick-ass shower, stag and wedding speech.

However, not everyone is like the Italians, loving and best-friending so fiercely.  This can cause some of that sticky-web-mess I was talking about.   Friend management.   Who knew?   Now you know, if you haven’t already figured it out long ago.

Circling back to the “ditch ‘em” commentary, your friendships will ultimately bring some drama and time-consuming factors into the relationship at some point.   If they bring great value to you, and life has just given you some friendship sticky-webs to unstick, then figure it out.   If the friendship is sucking you dry of energy and time you will never get back, then never fear the friendship break-up.  All the same relationship rules apply—be respectful, communicate the reasons, be honest and say so long in the nicest way.

The friendship break-up will be hard, it will be emotional, and a little heart-achy.  Don’t be a coward.  As gently as possible let this friend know why you are breaking up with them.   It is the right thing to do.

The last thing I have to say about friends is, make time for them.  Depending on what age you are reading this, there are many life things coming your way where you may want to
low-prioritize your friendship time.   It could be when you find that significant romantic relationship and find yourself not having so much time for your friends.   It could be when you hit that ever-growing mountain of responsibility zone with career and kids—finding yourself with little friend energy left at the end of the day.    It could be that you are going through a rough time, where all you want to do is push your friends away. 

There are temptations everywhere to have your friendships be the first relationship to let go versus valuing those friends with all you got.   Friends give you interesting perspectives on life.  They give you much needed life breaks.  They give you some of the best laughs ever.  They give you playful memories.  They give your heart emotional support.  They can challenge you to see things differently or validate your current vision.   They can make you feel oh-so-good about yourself.  They can make you feel smart.  They can make you feel young.  They can give you a helping hand when you need it and even when you don’t.  They can be right by your side during sad times and right by your side during happy times.

Friendship web or not, friendships are worth all that potential sticky mess.